Rainbow of Emotions

There are days like this where I feel so alone

2012-01-31T00:53:00.000+08:00

The days where you actually wonder and think about the friends that you have. Are they taking advantage of you? Do they constantly take without ever thinking of giving back? They do even care of your welfare or enjoy your company or are they just using you out of convenience?

Some times I do wish I could clean this slate and find people that actually do treasure the same things. or even treasure me for that matter. if this is friendship, where is the love?

2011-07-30T17:18:00.000+08:00

Why does it seem to be that everyone knows their place on this Earth except for me? It's as if everyone is holding this secret from me. I don't know how to get from where I am to where you are. How to get from enormously confused to all-well-knowing. Where are the stones that are supposed to lay out the path for me? Am I made for the limbo? Made to stay in this place where there is no definite yes/no, infinite maybe's. What such behavior do I possess that has allowed me to be damned by all these uncertainties. Am I a cold hollow shell if I have no true strong intense passion for anything?

Am I destined to be nothing more and nothing less of everything and anything?

We'll just see.

2011-07-07T06:41:00.000+08:00

Could it be that heaven was created by our minds? To comfort the fact that after we leave this world, all of us will plummet into the abyss. No one waiting for us with open arms, no golden gate by our feet, no familiar faces, no infinite happiness.. nothing. Is heaven another fools dream? Another false hope?

Maybe it's our self-centered thinking; that we amount to so much more than a temporary occupier. That after all we have done whilst alive, we deserve some place to be. If that's the case, why should you deserve to be there? Because you've done some good in your life? Relative.. it's all relative.

Either way, heaven does sound like a comforting idea. I guess we'll just see on the other side.

2011-06-14T21:36:00.000+08:00

Who is this for?

That's right, no one.

2011-05-31T09:22:00.001+08:00

Wow all my posts have been so depressing and gloomy.

Whoops.

Trying my best to study nows :)

2011-05-27T12:18:00.002+08:00

sometimes i feel so taken advantage of. you give but never get back. all I'm asking for is some fairness.

What am I doing?

2011-05-23T19:50:00.000+08:00

I feel unsatisfied and restless.
Theres just so much unhappiness that I'm currently feeling.
I don't think this is to say that I am unhappy as a whole, just the current moment of time that I'm in.. I'm so annoyed and frustrated.

I'm feeling all these negative emotions right now and I'm sorry but I can't empathize with you and how you're feeling. Right now, I just feel so taken advantage of. Perhaps this is not how it really is but right now, with the way that I'm feeling I don't think it's difficult to believe that its true. Thats how shitty I feel right now.

I just want to be free. But from what? Where are these invisible shackles? If I can't see them then it must be that I am the one that is confining myself and if that is the case.. from what and why? Am I causing my own pain?

But everything you feel is in your hands, is it not? Sigh. Dwelling on this only deepens my dissatisfaction.

2011-05-10T16:00:00.000+08:00

I stared at the mirror and looked at the girl before me and my eyes welled up with tears.
Because in her eyes I couldn't find what I was looking for, all that looked back at me were expressionless eyes grieving with dissatisfaction and discontent.

2011-05-02T21:29:00.000+08:00

There's nothing worse than the tone of disappointment in the voices of your parents. But at this particular age and with what I am currently facing, I don't know how I can even try to make you proud. This course is eating me in and out and I know that my lack of effort is definitely playing a role but how to find time as well? I'm scared. I'm giving myself excuses when I shouldn't. I too want to strive to do well.

Do you believe that anything and everything can be within your reach? Or is there a point where you have to be wise and draw the line between you and everything beyond you?

Or have I already confined myself within these self-made walls? If I knew I had the ability and capability to fathom, I would break down these walls within a heartbeat, I swear.

I want to know your name and your face.

2011-04-10T22:27:00.000+08:00

I went there, enthusiastic.. full of vigour but as the train kept on moving and running faster and faster away from 'home', it felt as though my soul was being stolen from me. It felt like a dream, like an escape. Where everything felt like a blur and it was as if my sense of reality had changed before me. What was this place before me? Another world and dimension? Where my sensory receptors were allowed to ease.

It's beauty that I saw. The blue skies, the trees, the sounds, the whole feel. I felt free like I was not a bird kept in this cage, a rat in his endless maze. I was free. The wide plains and distances calmed my soul. I felt sad that this was just another short moment in my life. This was just an escape, I would have to wait to feel this way again. The uneasiness of accepting something you dread..

Dissatisfaction.

2011-04-04T10:28:00.002+08:00

I will change myself and this will only be a point in time where I lost everything to only find more in the end.

So, how do I begin?

2011-04-01T00:08:00.000+08:00

she's killing you why can you see
you used to be my
and now
you're lost.

tho you'd prolly say otherwise..
i miss your thoughts.

2011-03-27T20:15:00.000+08:00

Good music is the shiznit. Current repeats right now:

Adele
Angus & Julia Stone
She & Him
Boy & Bear
Ray Charles
John Mayer
Coldplay

Honestly, the demise of limewire is killing me. Its harder for me to dwnload songs and listen to their popular songs first and shit.

I feel fat because I ate heavy dinner
super sleepy
custard buns egg tart
cardio
desperation
failure
can't wait to eat tomorrow

2011-03-22T22:03:00.000+08:00

When I said all that I didn't think that I would bring this upon myself. I regret. I wish this never happened because I know there are no winners in this. I'm tired of all the pondering.

does every action return?

2011-03-20T20:49:00.000+08:00

YOU THREW ME INTO THE RIVER AND LEFT ME TO DROWN. I READ MY DIARY AND PAST NOTES AND WONDER WHY I FEEL THIS WAY HOW TO GO HOW TO MOVE I WANT THE GREEN LIGHT BUT YOU HAVE CHAINED ME TO YOU. I WANT TO GO ON BUT I AM IN FRONT OF THIS WALL SO HIGH MADE OUT OF PAST PERFECT TENSES PAST PARTICIPLES ALL PASSING ZOOMING UP LIKE CONTINUOUS NEWSPAPER PRINTING LINES WHY CANT U SET ME FREE JUST A BIRD WANTING TO FLY LIKE YOU IM JEALOUS OF YOUR FLOCK JEALOUS OF HOW YOU'RE A SPARROW FLYING WITH EAGLES. I WANT TO BE LIKE YOU I WANT TO LOVE LIKE YOU I WANT TO LOVE. I CAN'T LOVE. WHAT IS LOVE. hey, what is love?

open my heart, fill it up and leave me be please.

My Saturdayy

2011-03-20T15:39:00.000+08:00

Hahahahahha. Had another drunken night and it was pretty intense I reckon. I was the only one puking my guts out and apparently I smelled Matt's butt wtf the things you do when you're drunk it's insane. But yes, I'm proud of myself because even when I'm drunk I still have values like taking care of my friends welfare! AND ALSO DAMN COOL I managed to take out my contact lens and brush my teeth after puking everything out lololol. Big thanks for Samantha and Matthew for taking care of me T_T I'm an emo drunk apparently.. there were tears LOL. BUT ANYWAY.. yes, once in a blue moon kinda thing since drinking ain't my.. fav past time. But anyway before drinking we went to carlton gardens TO CHILLZ cause the weather was beyond amazing. So yes, Saturday was an awesome day.

Carlton Gardens > Crown Casino > Drinking ._.

The building manager even came and knocked on the door because apparently we were too noisy or maybe it was me and Sam that was making most of the noise lol. Meh, emotional rollercoaster really. This time, instead of an aussie accent, I had an indian accent hehe.

But anyway, needless to say I'm staying clear from alcohol for a pretty long while because sigh the smell gives me fears now. So anyway here are some piccas of us at Carlton Gardens where we climbed a tree! It was a pretty easy tree to climb but damn it was fun you know. Maybe I'm just too damn ulu :/

I was acting like a dog.

Getting into my elements

Sam was too scared to go down lolol

My skin is shit, I know. And lips too

With my heart in my hands

2011-03-19T10:45:00.000+08:00

I'm playing John Mayer's concert now
And the cool breeze is coming in
The sun rays bathing my skin
The conditions are perfect
Yet somethings missing.

Perhaps..
Another day.

2011-03-14T11:34:00.002+08:00

Why do I look so stupid =_=

Amazing.

Hello there stranger.

2011-03-13T22:05:00.000+08:00

I could have sworn that you were looking in my direction.

Or perhaps that may have been a figment of my imagination?

Another moment where my memory has been sub consciously altered to fit the situation. But what is this situation that we have found ourselves in. I only feel like a helpless girl looking for some meaning and life. I am desperately pulling at the strings that others hold too dearly only because mine have grown old and nearly intangible. Did I spread myself too thin? Did you kill me? Or am I waiting for another moment another instance another event?

Why am I so warped up in my own thoughts? Why am I so confusing. I told you I was simple but maybe I'm just the opposite. Maybe simple is my aim but wherever I am it sure is a far away land from where I want to be. Why?

And why the innocence? Especially when everyone around me is as dirty as stray rat could be. Why am I such a stickler for certain values and why do I require so much self respect? Try to stand true to your values and people tell you that you're behind the times and it's stupid for me to doubt myself at moments and yet there are milliseconds where I do. But why should I? So what if I believe in real love that lasts. So what if I believe in waiting even though people would have said that I've waited long enough. I can't do that to myself.. I just can't let myself down.

I want to be free from the shackles that I've chained myself in.

I say that, but how much is true?

Try as I may, changing is hard.

Changing perspectives requires alot of time and a lot of drumming.

Why is it so hard to be better?

Am I in the wrong

or am I mixing with the wrong people?

Cryptic mumbo jumbo raider.

2011-03-10T14:22:00.000+08:00

I reckon it'd be pretty alright for me to be dead emotionally for a few days. There's so much unnecessary feelings and thoughts and bleh.

I shall go read now because that's the closest I'll be to being emotionally dead. Either that or sleeping hehe. Got netball tonight at 930 but uni is done for the week so no complaints :) Live live live live come on, you can do it.

And honestly I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. It only helps bring back everything that I've left behind. If I want to be strong I know what I need and must do. Missing and wanting being two different things. Uuurgh, can't really be arsed anymore. You go do what you want with whoever it is and be white though I'm pretty sure that you'd be jumping an any chance of there being light. Why did you forsake meeeeeee.

I can only imagine being me. Is that enough? Please do tell me. *emails are appreciated

meooooooooooow!

2011-03-09T16:26:00.001+08:00

2011-03-07T00:20:00.000+08:00

I don't know why but I could have and would have if you only treated me with respect. After _ you still couldnt care enough. Let it go..

2011-02-23T20:32:00.002+08:00

Seriously cannot make it.

2011-02-20T17:29:00.001+08:00

Emotional hiatus

Shades of grey.

2011-02-13T01:26:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I feel as though my thoughts on certain things are contradictory. For example, I find it utterly ridicules for people to pay so much money on certain items just to reach that.. status. It's like wtf, since when did we live in a world that is so heavily influenced by what we use or wear?

And even with that, how strong can my argument be when I own a blackberry and buy certain clothes even though they may not be as expensive? It's like eventhough I still believe that one shouldnt be judged based on what they have on them, I'm still a part of this.. thing.

There's still so much that I need to change about myself. I guess in this case, I'll just take comfort in not being in the extreme but rather in the middle? Still.. how can someone judge me when I don't have enough money to buy what they consider to be 'cool'?

I'd say to your face, to hell with you.

In for the long run?

2011-02-07T00:16:00.000+08:00

In all honesty I think that once your become a couple that constantly breaks up and gets back together again all too many times.. it's hard to really see a future. How can someone be your wife when you can't even keep them as your girlfriend without the constant breaks? I think the concept of love that people have in their minds are all too messed up. If you love someone you will go through a fight with them and you won't quit on them. You don't simply blurt out "break up la" after every difficult arguement. It just isn't true love. So yeah.. thats just what I think though.

2011-02-06T23:54:00.001+08:00

Remember to count your blessings. Even if it isn't as much as you'd like it to be, it is always enough.

2011-01-31T01:22:00.000+08:00

Confession #3:

I'm not nearly as interesting as I'd like to be and I lead a totally boring life which most of the time I'm okay with. Hence I conclude that I am a boring person.

2011-01-29T23:25:00.000+08:00

Confession #2:

I constantly live in fear.

2011-01-26T22:41:00.001+08:00

Hehe don't judge me pls, I just was happy with my purchases :P

2011-01-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

Man I've been watchin tons of series' like 30 rock, criminal minds, house, a bit of bones.. it's all goooood. But yeah lately I've been thinking of using what ever left of my time that I have to learn something.. I'm not too sure what yet though =_= Cause I don't know what classes are out there hehe.
So the pic above shows two cupcakes frm Wondermilk. I love the decor of the place because it reminds me of the cafes in Melb and it just has that vibe that I like. Cupcakes were small and expensive though and honestly, not all that worth it at all. 'Tis a bit of a let down :(

So in the first few weeks of January my mum helped me paint my room. Was a tad bit tiring cause we had to strip the wallpaper off and paint many many layers to have the paint look good on the walls. Right now I have two feature walls of the same colour and the other walls kinda have the same colour as my old wallpaper which is a bit =______= phail? It's olive-y green.. Sam said it's kinda dark but I guess it's okay.. just need more decorations to brighten it up I guess. My room is still under construction because it's still messy due to procrastination bleh. So me really =_= I never ever close the loop which is really a bad bad bad habit. So maybe this will be one of my resolutions for 2011? Heh, try laaa.

Hopefully by the time I head back to Melb, I would have already read the many books that I have, watched good films and pick up some skills as well as being on the path of self improvement. My results for Uni was pretty shit and I only got a 67 for QM which was a bit of a letdown because I actually tried for once to get my Maths act together but alas =_= And people always say that QM is damn easy.. wtf, am I that bad at it? Anyways, the good news is that I'll get to prove myself by doing QM2 Wtf. FML man. No choice since I decided to major in Econs + Marketing :( Wish me lucckzzz.

Get job.
Join photography club/mahjong club (yes, I'm serious)
Volunteer?
CONCERTSSss :D

2011-01-17T02:17:00.002+08:00

Confession #1:

I am not passionate about anything.

2011-01-13T01:11:00.000+08:00

I swear if there was like a voice keyboard, things would be so much better.

2010. If I could describe it in a few words it would be, confused, lost and lonely. I had a lot of trouble with myself and I had to constantly find myself and even til now I can't say that I know for sure the person that I am. I feel like a bulb that's going dim. Like the things that people used to love me for are slowly diminishing. It's such a sad thought but it's the closest to the truth. Going to Melb I thought that it would be so wonderful.. I had set such high expectations for myself based on the experience of others and the people closest to me. I know that I only have myself to blame in this and I think it's also due to my insecurities. My inability to allow others to see my true self. So shy and then I wonder why? But I always can't seem to think of the words to say and this is just damn sad. Of course this is one of the things that I hope I can overcome in 2011. Esp since everyone is starting to have their own friends and I guess it's around this time that what used to be super close friends just start turning into casual friends. No more nights with one on one talks or having fun while doing nothing but just talk? Oh well, such is life I guess. And 2010 was the first time I ever experienced a break up. Initially, I was so upset about letting go because it was still too hard but I thinkk now, it was for the best. I guess there were just somethings that love alone couldn't conquer and me being lost didn't help the situation. It's always nice to know that there was a time where someone loved all that I was. I know we both did our wrongs so it wasn't anyone's fault. It was just meant to be, I suppose. But even now I know that I need this time alone to find myself and to gain that confidence that I'm lacking. But hey, 2 years plus for a first relationship ain't too shabby :P

I guess by the end of 2010, I just realised how flawed I am. I think it's time that I move some of my ego out of the door and start looking at myself in a new light. I have a lot of work to do.

2011-01-11T01:35:00.000+08:00

There was a boy.

He wore nice shoes, had a good phone and camera.

But ultimately, he was a boy.

I've burnt out.

2011-01-09T02:52:00.000+08:00

I like those moments.

I like to feel inspired. I like to feel that I can change. I like to know how there is still a chance for happiness or more of it.

Tonight I realised that my ego is too huge for my own good. I realised that I need a bigger heart. I need to be less judgemental. Not sweating the small stuff.. So for all the flaws that have caused some pain or indifference.. I am sorry. And I will try to change myself, because I should and I can and I believe that it will lead to better days.

Happy new year

2011-01-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's confusing;

On one hand, they'll say "You're the one and I'm willing to change for you"
On another, it's "No one should change who you are"

So which is it? When you meet that someone and fall in love and promise change.. what does that mean? Even if the change is for the better? Is the latter still valid? Should you not change for someone and because of someone? Or is that all a bit hypocritical?

I guess in my eyes a change for the better is always good, no matter the cause. If someone has shown you the light and you decide to change, fine. If you've decided that they way you've been is below your capabilities, then fine. A change for the better is always welcome.

Whats the point of not changing when in the end, no one bothers to care enough about the person that you are? People want to see a change because they know that you can be better than you are.. and isn't that what change is all about? Self-improvement?

2011-01-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

Thank you for all the experiences you have given me. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being the best parents. Thank you for being a great friend. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for loving all that I am. Thank you for the faith.

Thank you 2010..
Truly a bittersweet year.

2010-12-30T02:41:00.000+08:00

What is love?
Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the pain. I look at some and only see the heartache that it brings. I know that some people are happy and I am jealous that they get to experience such joy without experiencing much of the hurt that one can feel when in love.

Even so, I long for love. But I do not long to be in a relationship at this point in my life. I think I still have alot of soul searching to do.

Maybe when the right person and time comes along, I will enjoy only love and no pain. Hopefully.

2010-12-23T00:59:00.000+08:00

So YESS, after 19 years of virginity, my hair has finally popped its follicles cherry! Sha, Olivia and Sam helped me dye my hair and I am grateful because I can't imagine doing it myself really.. SO THANKS GUYS! Ahh, I would say that it's kinda bright now so I'm hoping that it'll darken abitss then I think I'll prefer it more. Either that or I'd just get used to it =_= It's a good change though.. especially since I've never done anything to my hair before.. so just do laer =_= The colour that I chose was CASIS BERRY. Oooh lala, doesn't it sound so berry-fic?

Yeah, its suppose to be purple-ish but I dont think it really is much..

This ain't too obvious yaa.. it's much lighter under the sun. Anyways the rest are pics of Sandy using Photobooth.. my sis took them and we both concluded that it's funnier to take pics of your pets with photobooth than off humans lol. Enjoy and see you soooon.

Sandy is so darn adorable. And she has double eyelids too!

IS THIS NOT THE CUTEST THING ALIVE?!

2010-12-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

SERIOUSLY?

2010-12-18T02:13:00.000+08:00

There will always be a boy whom I will always miss,
The one whose lips I long to kiss,
The one whose hugs I hold so dear,
The only sad truth is that this boy is nowhere near.

And never will be.
Because time changes us all.
This is the only thing that breaks my heart.

India and a little bit of etc.

2010-12-17T23:21:00.000+08:00

Do you have that feeling like you're bored but also at the same time, lazy to do anything about it? That's exactly how I've been feeling lately. Though I wouldn't say that I've been totally BORED since I don't quite like using this word too often because I feel that people just say it just for the sake of saying it. I think I had it too good. India for the past 14 days and then back to here where nothing was planned and there was no more travel. I think I kinda need to find a life.

So yes, my India trip was totally awesome. I enjoyed it very much even though there was a point where I kinda had food poisoning and boy, it sure wasn't pleasant. But thank god (I guess) that it was during the first few days so I could enjoy the rest of the holiday but by the 14th day I was already so pooped from all the sightseeing.

I think India is just beautiful, so much culture and so much mystery. I think the most important thing for tourists to do is to look past the dust and dirt and just look at the people and the way things are. Though India is heavily populated, there aren't many snatch thief cases as one would presume especially since there are so many poor. This is because of their religion which teaches them that the only way to get out of being an 'untouchable' (which is what they call the really poor people), they should just be good and do good things in their life and hopefully they'll reincarnate into someone with a better life.

I like the concept of religion. I like how it can make you believe in something intangible and how it gives you the strength from basically nothing. Even so, I cannot say that I'm a fanatic of it. I don't believe in letting everything fall in God's hands. I do believe that there is some sort of guiding force and maybe even miracles but most of what happens is dependant on you. But I guess it's always nice to know that there is something else that we can't explain but can only feel by believing.

I guess in a country like India, you can't blame them for being so religious. When you're staying in a house that is barely a home with practically no income and food, what else can you do? And when you're rich when so many are poor you can't help but feel so grateful.

Anyways enough of this deep talk, let's see some pictures. I THINK that my blog will be a proper blog due to my India trip because there's over 1k pics in MY camera alone and we all had our own camera so I can only guess how much we all have collectively ._. Quite a scary amount I bet. So think of these few pics as being a grain of salt from the whole ocean.

The infamous TajMahal! Which was a bit of a letdown actually. Purdy but small and that's bout it :F This was actually day 5/6 already.

First day I was struck with food poisoning. Joy =_= And I wore this to Taj Mahal. I know I look insanely granny like. I think it was just the mixture of that green sweater plus the leggings but honestly I couldn't give a rats ass because my anus was sore and my tummy was ON freaking FIRE.

Faaarrk. This pic requires a profanity. It was so yummy omggg I'm salivating right now.

These few pics was taken on Day 2 where we took a trishaw right into their market area. They have markets for EVERYTHING. Bangle market, paper market, gold market, silver market, electronics market.. you get the gist lol. Anyway, Indian just LOVE taking pics lol. This is a fact.

My outfit for day 2 :)

Totally unrelated by I just love my this nail polish I bought. GREEN!

That's all for now, I realised that I hate writing in between pics.. Makes me potong stim lol.

2010-12-16T00:48:00.000+08:00

You learn to live and forgive and forget. After all, what is a life filled with angst and grudges? That certainly is not the kind of life that I want to lead. I know that as an individual I still have a long way to go and I hope I can reach that point where I'm actually happy and satisfied with the person that I am.. Til then, self discovery will go on and on and change with come over and over again even if I may be afraid of it. It's time to finally understand what it means to embrace change instead of just understanding the concept of change itself.

Why yes I do enjoy tea.

2010-11-25T22:12:00.000+08:00

Hehe I bought this today! Bought it at this AWESOME RAD SUPER MY FAV vintage shop. I forsee myself going there loads of times. It's uber shit cool, seriously. So yes, I went shopping alone :( It was actually not too bad! And I managed to hold myself back and only buy two things eventhough I saw a few cute dresses and tops here and there :( But oh well, the shoes made up for it. So yes, apparently the front part is snake skin, though I'm not a super fan of like anything other than just leather.. I couldn't resist.

So here's another pic of it. Hehe, it ain't high but hey, I'm not much of a HIGH heel gal. Was hoping for there to be those slip on Ked shoes like the ones I have but they no longer produce it :( WHICH IS JUST SAD because their line is soo boring now. Pls go back to it kthxbaikeds.

And my second and last purchase! For so long I've been kinda silently looking for an Italian dictionary as second hand shops. I kinda wanted one that maybe looked a lil older and kinda have a more used look but I'll settle I spose. $8 and $55 for the shoes. Mummy said once now to buy secondhand closed shoes but sorry mummy I couldn't help it D:

This is a pic of me in my rawest usual form since I rarely wear makeup. Only thing is that I'm wearing contacts? But yeah, I think I should learn to use make up. So the weird thing was that while I looked at myself in the mirror just now, it suddenly dawned upon me that hell, I'm 19. I suddenly kinda looked 19 and suddenly felt closer than I've ever been to being 19. Sad thing is, in 2 months plus, I shall be 20. Abitz the late to feel 19 but better than nothing hehe.

I think I needed today. I needed to be out by myself, drinking coffee by myself and really just spend more time with myself because I think it's different when you spend time alone and spend time with yourself. The former is kinda like watching tv on the couch, not really engaging in anything whilst the latter is closer to the path of self discovery?

So I asked this dude about gramophones and turntables. I've been wanting one for awhile but I think I'm gonna be needing to do a hell lotta research since all the technical stuff ain't my forte. Well, next year laer. The people here are so cool and have such good taste in music. I wonder where they like get the music from.. My playlist is so limited and I'd love to have what they're listening to but I don't know where to search for it! Darn.

Next year :)
Forse prossimo tempo.

2010-11-24T16:13:00.000+08:00

I recently bought this. I find it so cute. Basically it's like a headband except there a wire in it so you can bend it however as you please. I love the little polka dots and I just love how sweet it looks.

And of course, this is me trying it out and taking a picture of it lawl.

And this was when we went to passionflower and we ordered 6 scoops of ice cream. This place was surprisingly good. The ice cream was creamy and I got to eat black sesame as well as green tea. Yumz man. Feel like having some freddo's now just thinking about this.

I havent eaten a meal yet today o_o Which is weird since I'm always thinking about food but yeah we're gonna be eating spaghetti for dinner so i'll just wait till then :) I'll prolly go watch a movie noww.

2010-11-24T01:08:00.001+08:00

what a shame. we could have been heroes.. just for one day.

2010-11-23T22:43:00.003+08:00

Random blast from the past.
Nothing more, nothing less :)

Til' the next time.

2010-11-22T14:40:00.000+08:00

The 22nd. Ironic much and yet I feel compelled to write something on this very date. Funny how after awhile it holds not much significance to anyone. Our first 22nd and our last. What is there to say that hasn't been said? I know I have tried for what I thought to be true love but I guess it wasn't. If it were, 22 would still be important to the both of us. Though you deny it, I know in my heart what is true. I know why and how things ended and if not for this very reason, then what? So yes, you can hold on you your beliefs whilst I hang onto mine.. after all there is no point for me trying to reason with you because that never goes well. You can sit on your high horse since that makes you feel good instead of us being on mutual ground. Yeah i may not be as good at debates as you but relationships aren't debates, feelings get involved and you speak with your heart because thats what love is.. telling someone how you feel at the core, in its rawest form. Yeah it saddens me how after everything you can still make me feel so small.. like I'm not even worthy of you. And how my tears mean nothing to you. I guess I could go on and on about how much you've hurt me but what's the point. Not like you'd listen to me anyway. I don't think you could have found anyone who would have loved you more but that's just my opinion. I hope in the end you'll become that person that I'd been hoping to see.. even if its not for me. In the end, what is anger when you know that you've lost a close friend. And I think that saddens me the most. Having someone that knows you in and out and still being able to love you for it. Or having someone who enjoys your company. So thank you for the journey, though it was a rocky one.. I learnt the most from it.
love.

2010-11-20T20:30:00.000+08:00

Wow, I'm blank. Nothing to write at this particular moment. o_o Bah this is sad. Anyways, do you wonder how it feels like to die? I'm scared just thinking of the prospect of dying. How does it feel to be gone and the pain you go through before you die. Do you think about all your regrets or do you get flashbacks? I think I'm scared of anyone around me dying really. I wonder when I'll grow up. I wonder when I'll live. I wonder when I'll smile. Yes, I'm so uninspired right now. Gonna go eat something and watch more shows and maybe take a shower just for kicks. How i wish you.. mmhmm.

I miss that.

2010-11-19T23:58:00.002+08:00

One of gods greatest gifts is the ability to feel and to love.

I wonder;

2010-11-17T13:33:00.002+08:00

How could you hurt me like that?

2010-11-16T23:35:00.001+08:00

I know theres a line that sounded damn wrong lawl.

Useless = use less?

2010-11-16T23:01:00.000+08:00

What I don't get is that I'm so near to experiencing freedom but shouldn't that be encouraging me to study? I'm so lazy and I'm just so.. UUGH. I don't wanna do it, ya know? I just wanna know how and just do my exam without screwing up things because I'm going to have to do QM2 next year which is hell. After hearing Sarah's subs, oh damn.. should have been in Environments =_= but its okay.. I will survive with my Economics+Marketing major. :/ Might get tough on the Econs side of it but, what comes easy anyway eh.

So basically my rationale is that since I'm unable to fully concentrate, theres no point in me trying to study lawl. I mean.. it's kinda true, right? :/ Ah whatevs. Anyway since next week will be a week of self-discovery since it'll just be me and chung lol, I forsee lots of book reading, movie watching, and blogging? And cleaning and yeah.. sad much? Not really, i don't particularly mind but I guess things might get a little crazy in my head and I might implode, that's all. Me and chung are also thinking abt catching HARRY POTTER! I mean I don't know if I can wait! I'm so excited eventhough I prolly don't even remember what goes on.. which I spose will just make the movie experience so much better! Ngehehe.

Oh and tumblr has lovely pics. I wish I could take pics like that and be able to edit the pics I take. I should try asking someone whose willing to teach :F Meh.

I'm going to India in December and apparently it'll be winter.. I don't know how to dress for that like do I wear my winter jacket? Apparently it can go down to single digits at night. BRR. I thought I went out of the cold :( Now less space for clothes boohoo.

2010-11-11T00:03:00.000+08:00

What is behind a smile. Some say its a window of opportunity but I think a smile can pull you away from the truth. Every now and again I evaluate myself and I seem to fall short everytime. This is not me, but it feels like it's not something that I can control. My mind is blank, no ideas, no thoughts and when I go back and reflect all the possibilities just rush in. Who am I? Is this who I am? How is it that I don't even know? I say I'll try but is this what trying really is? I think for too long I've gotten too comfortable and this is unfortunate because I'm paying the price now. Why & how.

When you look at me, what do you see? Do you just see a blank page staring back at you? I wish you could see so much more and I wish my smile could tell you all that you need to know but it can't.

Will next year be better? How can I let it be the same? How can I, but I could and I have. Please. please.

Ps: it's my first time blogging from my bed. Tis un po di' weird.

VBLOG!

2010-11-06T22:36:00.001+08:00

2010-11-02T14:12:00.000+08:00

My new desktop wallpaper:

This may sound stupid, but I'd probably cry if I got to see the sky like that. It's too fucking beautiful to believe.

Where'd you have to go to witness such things? How I envy the people who get to experience this everynight and not be grateful for it. Sure living in the city may have its ups, but it's taking me away from nature. I don't think I've ever lived in a suburb that was so close to being a part of nature. Maybe in some European country.. in my future? Heh.

Wish

2010-10-30T20:10:00.000+08:00

How did it end. Why did it end.

I think we just got sucked into this whirlpool. I think we were just unlucky. Wrong place, wrong time? I don't know how I turned into that person neither do I know how you too changed. It's like one day we're two kids playing together in the park and the next moment we're two grownups with different lives. It is unfortunate. I don't think I can even try to explain the time we've spent together. Like a fairytale, like a myth, like a dream.. simply something that I cannot try to grasp. If i choose to remember the good moments it feels like it was too good to be true. And through my time here I have found out how our love kept me young and naive and this it not a bad thing. I am grateful for it. So how did it end? I think it was just too hard. Love was becoming too hard and it should never be hard because you would always want to go the extra mile for the person you love. You would always want and have the need to talk to your loved one. It should never feel like a chore. It should be a joy. Our love was there but it was too much. Too many obstacles. I picture us in this setting.. the roaring sea with rain pouring down so hard, and with lightning striking at every moment. It was just too much. No internet, no talking, no calls. We were already disadvantaged from the start. We were meant to fail from the start. If we weren't, how could it end? I think we both pushed ourselves for each other. But it's like we're running a decided race. You did your wrongs and I have done mine. In the end, it was no ones fault. Time ran its course and so did our relationship. Love goes on but we're no longer on the same path. We shall love each other from our own lanes. Almost 3 years. It amazes me how we pulled through everything. And though it saddens me greatly how this is the end of our journey.. I knew it was coming & even though I have prepared myself for it.. it surprises me how my heart still breaks. Just like the Beatles song: You Really Got a Hold On Me..

And i will remember that moment where I cried for you eventhough you were alreadt next to me. Cherish, I will. Thank you for everything.

Cryptic

2010-10-23T21:31:00.000+08:00

jsdkajsdlajlad!!
sjdklasdjs
sjdlkasjd
sjkdskxmkshdsndaijdlskjdnsdkjsjdknwidhsjjdklakdj.

ksjdskajiwueyehdksjnxlsdoisudsjdhjsmdnch

Im trying to find motivation but cant seem to find any. :( And I'm so poor hotdamn. D: Wanna shop also cannoottt. HOW HOW. Going to a garage sale tomorrow just to SEE. omg so sad my life =_= I wanna buy those headphones that cost 90 dollars so exp but its the only i've seen that suits what ive been looking for :F I think i'm going to buy it heehee and then.. subject myself to thrift stores.. if i can even find any that it =_=

TRY TO STUDY AGAIN AALLLLLLLLAh.

Pancakes

2010-10-21T20:51:00.000+08:00

I'm such a boring person.
I love to stay in and be in my fetal position.
I love to be under the sun and just soak up wtv light I can get.
I love silence wat more than I should.
I don't even know what to blog about anymore. I feel so uninspired. So tired about complaining to myself.

I need someone/something to make me feel alive.

Lol, I've been searching for wallpapers for my lappie but couldnt seem to find one that fully satisfied me. Hence, I chose to put this instead. This was at this crepe place that we went too. Though it looks heavenly and was actually for a few bites, it got so jelak and I had to force myself to finish it. Uurgh. But damn, look at those egg yolks. Just waiting to be poked and prodded at. Now, if you know me, I HATE egg yolk. I can't stand it bleh even in half boiled eggs but since the discovery of poached eggs my outlook on egg yolks has changed. Of course, my eggs have to be poached perfectly. It has to be all runny and no signs of being cooked. Basically, cooked egg yolks = bad.

I think this wallpaper is going to make me hungry a lot.

I wish i had money to splurge on food and coffee.
I wish I could make fluffy pancakes.

2010-10-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

My exams: 8th, 9th, 15th, 19th.

I go home: 28th

OMGAI i have no idea what I'm gonna do D: GAH. T_T I forsee alot of movies, books and cafes (by my lonesome self T_T)

Anyways, I should start studying. I should do well. Should yeah? Well I just finished my Macro assignment so hurrah for that? Perhaps I should get started on my QM assignment so as to not worry the weekend before its due? I really should try doing things in advance. Hm.

What else? Oh, I wrote a complaint letter to Cheerios because I was unsatisfied with how the Cheerios in Australia SUCKS ASS. SUCKS SO MUCH ASS TILL THERES NO MORE ASS LEFT. Damn sad. Wasted damn alootta money on a FAMILY PACK FML.

Oh dwell, whatta do.

I shall leave you now with a picture.

I didn't realize but there is something cute about this picture. Oh how I'd love to be friends with the clouds.

The lightning strikes

2010-10-09T23:06:00.000+08:00

I love intellectually stimulating conversations.

And sometimes it's just hard to remind myself that I'm unique.. that I'm special. I thank god for those mini moments of self discovery when I realize that I'm worth more than I think I am. Hence this is a promise to myself that I will never succumb to cheap frills, clubbing nonsense music, tvshows with no values, drugs, climbing the social ladder, fking around, spending excessively, being rude and harshly judging someone without any backing for it, not being grateful, complaining endlessly, racism.

I know that this list can go on and on but I think the basis of this is just that I want to be a good human being. I want to be a good person with a pure heart. Though this may not necessarily be easy all the time, a girls gotta try.

2010-10-05T14:59:00.002+08:00

March 1820

Sweetest Fanny,

You fear, sometimes, I do not love you so much as you wish? My dear Girl I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known you the more have I lov'd. In every way - even my jealousies have been agonies of Love, in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you. I have vex'd you too much. But for Love! Can I help it? You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest. When you pass'd my window home yesterday, I was fill'd with as much admiration as if I had then seen you for the first time. You uttered a half complaint once that I only lov'd your Beauty. Have I nothing else then to love in you but that? Do not I see a heart naturally furnish'd with wings imprison itself with me? No ill prospect has been able to turn your thoughts a moment from me. This perhaps should be as much a subject of sorrow as joy - but I will not talk of that. Even if you did not love me I could not help an entire devotion to you: how much more deeply then must I feel for you knowing you love me. My Mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it. I never felt my Mind repose upon anything with complete and undistracted enjoyment - upon no person but you. When you are in the room my thoughts never fly out of window: you always concentrate my whole senses. The anxiety shown about our Love in your last note is an immense pleasure to me; however you must not suffer such speculations to molest you any more: not will I any more believe you can have the least pique against me. Brown is gone out -- but here is Mrs Wylie -- when she is gone I shall be awake for you. -- Remembrances to your Mother.

Your affectionate, J. Keats

Self discovery.

2010-10-03T21:32:00.000+08:00

You know what life feels like now? A whirlpool. Sucking everything into this vortex, spinning uncontrollably.. Out of control, or rather out of my control. Thoughts rush in and out of my head, moving at the speed of light. What is happening, honestly? And this is not a post to say that I'm unhappy because I'm not unhappy. I'm neither here nor there. At the borderline between the two; sadness and happiness. Is this a bad place to be? Would people listen and ask me what's wrong?

I don't think I even have an answer for that. What is wrong? Does every feeling need an explanation? How does one feel without a reason to feel? Where does that feeling originate from then? What do I do now then? Sigh. I think I'm just not content. I'm not filled to the brim. I don't know why. It feels like parts of me are being blown away and through time, all that'll be left would be little pieces of me. Who would love me then? Who would stay by my side then, once I've become this empty shell.

And how I wish I were beautiful. How nice then, would life be.

Chaos

2010-09-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

1.Sydney Harbor Bridge
2. Puff fish?
3. Fiels of gold.

Passing thought: What is love? And who is deserving of it? Or do you just pick whoever 'feels right'? I don't get the concept of fucking around. Cheap. Disgustingly cheap.

Emotions

2010-09-29T23:39:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to say anymore. Lately life has been a blur. Everything is done based on impulse. Nothing done by thought. I'm scared to think. I'm scared that thinking would make me realize. I'm scared to make a decision because I'm afraid of the consequences. Yes, it is one of those things were both paths seem equally bad. I don't want to talk about you anymore but you're all that clouds my thoughts. You have no idea do you.. what you've actually done to me.

Anyway, I sprained my ankle yesterday and its being so inconvenient right now. So much swelling and this is really just the second time I've sprained anything and it so happens to be the same leg as before. Bleh. I feel so crippled. I thought that I should just continue walking but it really isn't something that I can/should do. Even a random person on the street had to tell me to rest lol. Obviously I'm not very good at taking care of myself but that shall change now :) I'm pretty serious about getting this shit done. I told Sarah that I'm so bored of walking at the speed I'm walking at. Bleh. Oh well, such is life.

2010 is so different for me. I remember 2009 and I remember the frustration and I remember the need to escape. And now with 2010, I don't know. Things are so weird and I feel so unsure of myself. Is this part of growing up or do I just think too much about what I should be by now? I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I could say that I am driven to succeed but I don't feel it. All I want to do is just spend my days soaking up the sun whilst looking at the clouds pass by. I'm not tired of life, but I want a break from it.

Time.

2010-09-27T00:52:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I'd wish I was in a foreign place where all I'd see were the blue skies or the star speckled nights.

I wish I could just look up and cry.
Because I know that there is nothing as beautiful down here.
I'd just be staring at infinite beauty.
How tragic is that?

Yes, I know I'm lost. I know I'm wandering. I want to be found but by who? Who is searching for me? The hours turn to days and I'm still in the same limbo. I'm so tired of myself sometimes. I just want everything to be, when I snap my fingers. Please take me to a wonderful place.

Truth,

2010-09-23T00:04:00.000+08:00

You did it all yourself. You and I both know.

oh well.

2010-09-14T10:22:00.000+08:00

It doesn't matter what someone does to you. The only thing that really matters is your experiences with them. So yes, I wanted to get mad, and I wanted to tell you off but what would that do? What would that say about everything that we've went through? I don't want to go down the road of bitterness. I want to remember us at our best and I'd only hope that you'd do that to. But if you don't, it's okay, I guess I understand but I think you and I both know how much of a pity that'd be.

Best friends to enemies? Is this really what you want? Is that really what two years has taught us? There is always love in this heart for you. It's only whether you choose to use it or let it fade.

So let's use it. Love was meant to be shared.

forever&always, right?

it's okay.

2010-09-13T21:21:00.003+08:00

You may hate me all you want
but I'll love us both

Always.

2010-09-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

Hey,

I I want to talk about us.

I want to talk about everything we went through.

I want to sit with you at that park and just feel like the good ol days and just for that few hours, we'll be in this bubble we, or rather I, created.

We'll talk so much that it feels like nothing has happen

And we'll search those dark night skies for those fireflies.

We'll sit by those swings and I'd ask you deep but yet relevant questions.

We'd be by the benches and you'd sneak in a few pecks.

It would be like two years ago..

We'd sit by the basketball court or we'd walk around, hand in hand.

You'd tell me silly jokes and I would give you this look that only you would associate to.

You would tell me your problems and I would listen to them all.

I would listen.

And when our time was up, we'd go back to our realities.

We'd say goodbye and you would give me a hug.

And I know that hug would say it all.

How that would be the last hug we would share.

Or how that would be as close as we'd ever get to be.

How that was it.

Oh how this never ends.

There's a light that never goes out.

2010-09-08T22:46:00.000+08:00

I just came back from watching Angus & Julia Stone perform. It was so magical and there were points were I really felt like crying. Because the setting was perfect. Because the music spoke to me. Because I was being touched.

Thank you for making me feel.

I shall embrace my emotions, whatever they may be. I shall embrace this sadness that dwells in my heart for I know that it is only human. I feel as though I haven't been allowed to let it all out. To cry to someone about it.. but who? In the end, it's just me, in the dark, with these tears. I want to let everything out. I want to type it all out so that it's no longer in my system and I want it to be a way that you could see how.. it is. I wish you'd understand what this has done. I wish..

Forever.

Tell me.

2010-09-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

I wonder if you think about me as much as I...

Saw this on someone's status

2010-09-07T19:02:00.002+08:00

"Love without action is meaningless and action without love is irrelevant." - Deepak Chopra

Angus & Julia Stone.

2010-09-04T09:40:00.002+08:00

If I talk real slowly
If I try real hard
To make my point dear,
That you have my heart.
Here I go

I'll tell you,
what you already know.
Here I go.
I'll tell you,
what you already know.

If you love me, with all of your heart.
If you love me, I'll make you a star in my universe.
you'll never have to go to work.
you'll spend everyday, shining your light my way.

my.

2010-09-04T00:28:00.002+08:00

Take me home tonight.

Merdeka?

2010-09-01T00:56:00.000+08:00

In conjunction of Merdeka, I'd just like to post these two pics..

I don't know how many of you guys know about this story where this principal or teacher ( I don't quite know the details) told some chinese students that Air Asia was having a promotion and for them to go back to their negara asal.

And well maybe from hearing that, you may think that joining the second group would be better? Well honestly, I think both is disgusting. I don't think anyone should be damned to hell and I'm sure she will already suffer the consequences of her actions. I don't think there is much I can say about all that has been happening in Malaysia right now (mostly because it's sleeping time ~_~) but I just know that this is all so sad.

I always hear my parents talking about their childhood and there wasn't much racism involved other than the May 13 incident. But they always embraced other races and like they all have fond memories of playing with kids of all races. I just can't seem to understand how we as a nation have allowed ourselves to move so far behind. How is it so that we have not learned from the mistakes of our former fathers? It is just so upsetting that we were once a truly multicultural country and that was what made Malaysia special. And now hearing things like these people asking other people to go back to their home country? How is China our home country? I have been to China and I know for a damn fact that I don't belong there. I don't speak the language and I don't share their culture so how can China be my home?

I don't know why race has to be such a big issue. I have friends who hate Malay's and are just racists and it's just very sad to know that. Even my brother has no faith in our country. There are so many people now that think that Malaysia is beyond repair and are so willing to leave the country as soon as possible. What is Malaysia without the Malay's, the Chinese and the Indians?

We pride ourselves on the food that we have in Malaysia but do we not understand that it is the result of being multicultural?

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that we as the more educated youth have to do something to change the minds of these radicals. We have to teach kids from young that this isn't right. I believe that all this racism derives from the upbringing of kids, so parents should teach their kids that what is happening now isn't what it should be.

Gah, I know this post is so messy. I don't know why I got the sudden urge to write it at this hour. I hope you guys can understand where I'm coming from and in turn tell/teach your friends about it. Let's stop this racism because Malaysia can be so much more without it (and also corruption).

.

2010-08-29T16:30:00.000+08:00

Love
Life
Lie

I don't get it.

AWARENESS CAMPAIGN.

2010-08-24T11:20:00.000+08:00

Today while I was wearing my sandals, I felt my crack appearing. This was when I was completely alone of course, in my apartment. Well the point of that statement was just to state the fact that you CAN feel it when you're crack is showing. I don't get how some people are so oblivious to it. It just scares the hell outta me when I see someones crack. It seems so.. UUGH Like dude, that's the lane to your pit of doom.. I'm not interested please cover it my god. BUT NOO, some people just have to SIT/SQUAT and show their crack forevermore (okay, just during the duration that you see them) and THEY DONT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Think about all the disadvantages of showing your crack:

If you showed your crack once, it's forever embedded in the minds of others. No doubt.
DIRTY???!
I'm guessing since the vision of ghosts are slighty kooky and dazed, they may think that it's the path to heaven but in this case it would be hell and you will get diarrhea.
Do you want to forever be known as crack boy/girl?
AND A KEBAJILLION OTHER REASONS THAT I CANT THINK OF.

So yes, be a good friend or even a good samaritan and do the right thing, the just thing and be wary of whats going on around your behind area.

Let me tell you a story, one day I was walking to class and it was pretty far frm my previous class so I had to walk fast and this dude was also in my tute and he was like fOOSH ON THE GO, walking as fask as those people who walk as a sport. After he overtook me, LO AND BEHOLD.. I saw his crack. That was not even the worst part. It was HAIRY. Oh god. Mylord please save me. I had to be stuck with that image till he turned around the bend. Shit. You see, and now I wont sit next to him because now I know that he has a hairy crack even if he may just be the smartest boy in class. (I dont know if he's smart though)

I hope this had educated some of you on the issues of cracks. You know how there are Brest Cancer Awareness campaigns? Well, think of this as a Crack Awareness campaign :) Spread the msg people, let's stop this thing from spreading!

.

2010-08-18T11:53:00.002+08:00

"Knowing that you're the reward at the end"

2010-08-17T10:54:00.000+08:00

"You're my best friend."

Beautiful

2010-08-16T16:41:00.000+08:00

Have you been so lost, you didn't know right from left?

You constantly wondered if this was the right choice.

You knew that every path you could possibly choose had its consequences.

You looked to find help, but there was no one that could help you deal with this but yourself.

You were scared to take that chance because you were afraid that the waves would come crashing down on you and you would fail.

You would make a mistake and you would lose everything.

Maybe all we can do is to close our eyes in hopes of finding that truth that will bring us happiness.

Even if it may take a long journey.

After all, isn't happiness worth waiting for?

Death is a friend?

2010-08-14T00:21:00.000+08:00

She was in this ocean. Harsh, and what seemed to be forever rough. She tried and tried to swim to somewhere, anywhere. She fought through many of her thoughts of death and through her doubts and through defeat. It was already a feat for her to still be alive.. to still be trying for what seemed to be a lost cause. "I can do this, I can beat the odds" she'd tell herself with much confidence. So for days and days and many days on she kept on fighting for the love of life, for the sweet hugs of loved ones to the melodious chirps of the birds at the park. She tried to keep her memory of life alive. Till one day, she started to forget how hugs felt like. She started to forget how the birds use to sound like. She was starting to forget life itself because the things that kept her together were already starting to fade. She tried with much effort to recall but how do you recall things of which you need to feel? And all she felt around her was the constant current that was pushing her body backwards and forwards or the flow of water through the gaps between her fingers. As she started forgetting, she stopped trying because there was nothing else to fight for. Nothing else to continue trying for. Nothing to live for. And that was it. Death.

I have tried.

Lunch

2010-08-13T10:17:00.001+08:00

I have not been feeling too dandy so here are some pictures.

I really like this hairstyle and I want my hair to be like this the next time I decide to change the style of my hair.

Anyway like last week we went to Carlton Gardens and we took some pretty nice photos. It was a very cold day and I was all dressed in purple. I loved the skies on that day and just the fact that there was sun.

Spot the double chin =_=

I want more blue skies.

The weather has been pretty gloomy so I think that's partially why I feel a tad bit gloomy myself. There is more I could say, but I shall leave it at this.

I want to fly.

Noodles

2010-08-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

You know how you usually reach this certain point in a conversation where you look at your life and look at all the things you wanna do with it and all the things that you've already missed out on? Well I've had a few encounters with such a feeling actually and it has led me into making a few "Things to do before you die" lists. Now when I think about it, it's so unrealistic the things that I wrote down. Instead of writing down things I wished that I'd be able to do before I die, I should really just write down things are easier to reach. And it's not like I'm not saying that I'm a small dreamer or whatever, I just think that by doing a list filled with reachable "goals" you end up happier because more things are gonna get ticked off. Hence I'm starting a new "things to do before you die" list. Currently I have a FEW (by few I mean like three) things in mind that already have a spot on this very list.

I guess I've just reached this crossroad and I'm just wondering like what have I done. Get not too bad results, done sports in highschool.. what else? People go to Japan to learn a language or go to an African country just to teach english to orphans; what about me? Am I meant to live this mundane life where everything is of constant flow? And you know what? I blame myself for everything because there truly is no one else to blame but myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm all talk but no action.. I talk so much about all the things I want to do and all the things I like but do I truly pursue those things? Nay man.. nay.

I'm truly upset with myself :( I just wished that I could reach the expectations that I have set out for myself and I know it sounds like me and I are seperate entities and I wish I could just say that I would do something and just do it and I know this is just me giving excuses for myself and then end up being upset with myself for doing so. It's not even a vicious cycle.. more like a stupid one. Filled with self inflicted damage. Can you guys tell how confuzzled I am?!

Anyway.. I guess like all things, time will tell.. but then again time can only tell if I do something about it right? If I dont do anything time will tell nothing because nothing has been done. Le sigh. :(

white white whitee.

2010-07-30T15:27:00.000+08:00

It's not that i dont want to blog.. there just isnt much for me to blog about. Back in melbourne. Back to the cold. Back to doing things myself and it's okay i spose. Been thinking seriously abt getting a job and i think i will la cause if i dont this year then like.. it might be harder for me to get a job next year :/

Plus thinking abt all that money is such a turn on lol. I'd be able to buy more groceries and all.. it'd be pretty awesome i'd reckon! Like more lemon crisps.. more timtams, more chicken biscuits and all those unhealthy indulgences.

It's getting dark already and I initially wanted to go out because there was sun but i was far too tired and took a nap instead =_= I kinda have a headache now :/ and well today is free transport day and im not utilizing it to ze maxxxx. :F

Omg. I'm a blank page.
Forgive me :/

Ti Amo.

2010-07-24T02:50:00.000+08:00

Dear,

These past few weeks have allowed me to learn to appreciate you and us more. I feel like we've grown closer and I feel my love for you continuing to grow. I know it feels like I'm leaving so soon and I too wish I din't have to go. But this is life I spose. I just want to thank you for all the love and patience you've given me. I am grateful. I already am starting to miss you..

I love you.

why must it be so.

2010-07-23T12:21:00.000+08:00

My dad scolded me just because I felt frustrated and was tearing. Usually if I were scolded by my dad for something legit then fine, I will keep my mouth shut because I deserve it. But this time.. I didn't deserve it all all.

He said that he's more frustrated paying for my education and writing the appeal for me. Firstly, since when was this a competition to see who is more frustrated? It's not that I don't understand the burden of paying for my fees but it was just the way he said it. So I asked him if I was not entitled to feeling frustrated. It's not like I was looking for some pity and for him to go pujuking me and all that.. but to scold me? Wth.

I did all the calling myself and didn't ask him for any help..
Naturally calling the Commerce number and waiting 20 minutes before they cut you off, calling the student help desk number and waiting for another 20 minutes before them just telling you that they can't help you, calling the international students number to have a 15 minute discussion before someone telling you that they can't help you to only be given the number to someone else who tells you the same thing and saying that she'll send an EMAIL to someone who can possibly help.. would make you feel frustrated.

Tell me, how CAN you not be fucking frustrated? You don't think I know how much it'll cost? You don't think I understand the value of money? You think that I'm just so willing to spend your money away?

I told him that him scolding me won't change anything. Which is totally true. What is the point of doing that? So that you'll snap me back into my senses? It's not like I was doing anything wrong. So why should I be told off when normally people are told off for something they should not do? So am I not supposed to feel frustrated? It's not like there's a switch on my head for me to not get teary when things do affect me. It's not like I WANT to be like this.. it's not like i'm not TRYING to be stronger. But what can you do when the tears start coming down?

And also, if there is much frustration from you from paying my bills then fine, send me to a local uni. I seriously do not mind. I know that being in Melb uni or Australia for that matter is costly but if the burden is too heavy to bear then fine, I will accept going into a local university willingly. I'm not saying this in a sarcastic way and I'm totally serious. If you ever feel that it is too much money to send me to Australia for my studies.. just send me to a local uni and then you wouldnt have to feel frustrated about it.

I think this is one of the few times I've actually stood up to my dad. And it's not that I'm proud of it and it's not that I love him any less.. it's just that I believe that you should be scolded off (if you're ever) for the right reasons. I believe in fairness and I believe that I was not fairly treated in this.

Anyway, I know this will be solved today. And I know things between us will be the same by tomorrow. This is just how I feel now. Sigh, I just wish everything went as planned.

Melb uni has put me through so much shit and I harbor some hatred for it. They have made everything so difficult for me. Right down from the moment I started uni till now. So much for a top class uni in Aus. I seriously do not think that melb uni is as good as people perceive it to be. How is it that my results came out on the 9th but you're only able to tell me if I'm in commerce or not 10/11 days later. They are not sensible in that sense that people have to freaking choose their subjects. Stupid. Horribly stupid.

I'm not saying that melb uni has some shit lecturers and tutors.. I'm saying that the skeleton of melb uni itself is flawed. HUGELY flawed. The people aren't as helpful as you think and they do not try their best to make this whole transaction a breeze. They keep pushing you here and there and in the end you end up with as much knowledge as you had when you started.

This whole process has been hell. And I truly hope that melb uni will be more efficient and will hire or either train people whose aim is to help you especially when they are dealing with so many international students.

ksjsal.

2010-07-18T00:54:00.000+08:00

Everytime I hear about it I crumble in shame. I don't know. I don't know.. What has become of me that I have allowed myself to be such. I dont remember life ever being so difficult. Why now? I'm unsatisfied beyond belief and I feel so jumbled up. These feelings are bottled up. Is it because I am ashamed?

When i go there, who will wait for me?

om nom nom nom.

2010-07-06T22:04:00.000+08:00

Wazzap! I shall try to do a proper post and give a little update on things that have been happening. The only thing about blogging whilst using the mac laptop is that you can't just pull pics from your iphoto :F At least I think so lol. If not, I've just been mking my life difficult lol.

Anyways, I'm back in KL and honestly, it really just feels the same. The weather is horrendous though. It's too insanely hot and I'm so not used to it anymore only because I sweat easily and thus, this humidity is worse on me T_T Nonetheless, it feels nice not having the need to clean ze apartment and to just be able to even turn my aircon on because honestly in aus, I only did that ONCE and maybe that just goes to show the weather that I've been so used to for those few months :F

Well, the TG gang - Sam will be headed off to Melaka tomorrow. It shall be a very short trip but I'm sure it'll still be pretty fun.. like hello.. OUR FIRST OUTSTATION TRIP! WooH. Monumental! Haha I'll make sure to take pics and enjoy the scenery along the way :) I'm pretty sure you guys know that on the route to Melaka, there's this area where the winds from two different directions pass.. and well you're not suppose to go to fast when you're driving through that area cause if you do.. your car and you goes bye bye :F

We'll be sure to take that into consideration lol.

Anyways, SOME photos :)

This is us. I know I'm short.

Nostalgia.

This is us, supposedly when we're old and crinkly.

The young youthful, us. Aren't we a bundle of sunflowers?

I freaking bought Sandylion stickers! I'm a happy camper :D I love stickers. They make me so happy T_T

This is them <3 Omg SEEE. DUGONGS :D HAHA. My fav is the one holding the kelp. Though you may not be able to see. And the one next to the dugongs are like animals having a teaparty! Omg so cute can die.

This is my sister.

This is me.

THAT IS ALL :D

Anyway. I'm so sticky so I shall bathe and maybe sleep lol. Don't know what else to do =_=. I already feel sleepy anyway lol.

Home

2010-07-02T10:27:00.000+08:00

It's so weird. It feels like I haven't even left. It feels the same as it's always felt on mornings as such. I wake up to the sunshine and to my alarm clock and I embrace the sun from my desk whilst on the laptop. When I saw you it was so surreal and in some ways it felt awkward because I have not seen you for so long and this was the moment we were waiting for and here it was... before us. Though I must say that that awkwardness only lasted for a minute before everything settled into place, like there was no gap before us. To our borders moments, watching movies hand in hand, ikea meatballs. I truly have missed you and I'm glad I have you now. Even if it's not for as long as I'd like.

I'm not being sappy :P

Ugh.

2010-06-22T22:57:00.000+08:00

Why is it that even though I'm miles away, I still feel caged up? Can you please let me go and not keep checking if I'm still in the cage? It's suffocating me.

jsdkjadsaklja

2010-06-18T10:47:00.000+08:00

Dear Bono,

I don't like it when you sing 'I am the walrus'. Though I understand that you are a huge fan of the beatles, I just really don't like your version of the song. Oh wells.

:(

My internet is being a bitch. So damn it.

skjdksjald!

2010-06-05T13:48:00.000+08:00

I've only made 127 posts to date o.O Which is weird lol. But after awhile I dont know what I should write about. I think sometimes it's nice to write the things that you've done esp when it's somehting funny so you can look back and laugh and all those good moments. I won't say that I'm having the luxury of laughing till I cry as often as I did in highschool. I definitely took that aspect for granted :/

The days here are cold and it's been so gloomy and this doesnt help uplift my mood/spirits at all. I woke up at 12 and am only starting to do work now at 345. I'm wasting my day and my exam is on Monday and I'm scared shitless. Psych is so hard because there's so many things to remember and I don't really remember stuff anymore :/ Arrgh. Like even the lecturer gave out 50 questions and out of those, 30 will come out. And even when he's done that.. it's so bloody hard to find the answers :/

Psych & Crim will definitely be the death of me.
FTS man.
Where did all my happiness flee too? :(
I'm like a fading star, just waiting to burn out.
I need motivation.

Back to the studying nows. Sucks to be me right now.

..

2010-06-04T15:00:00.003+08:00

You say goodbye and I say hello.

.

When you sleep at night, fear not as I will creep into your dreams. I will keep the memory alive. I will bring back everything till you won't know what hit you. I will melt your cold heart.

I will melt your cold heart.

Empty.

2010-06-03T10:22:00.002+08:00

Where did I go?

Blood blood heart.

2010-06-02T12:23:00.000+08:00

I didn't realize how much i love you.
It's running through my veins.

Mm.

Hello winter.

2010-06-01T21:41:00.000+08:00

There is someone who has my heart.
I know I'm not good enough.
I guess I'm sorry for that.

I wish you didn't mean the world to me.

Disgusting.

2010-05-30T21:42:00.000+08:00

Comments like these make me sad. After all that we've been through and are currently going through as humans, do we really need this kind of thinking?

I know that usually people of the same race tend to hang out together and all and that is fine as long as it doesn't turn to hate crime where you think ill of another race. I wonder who teaches these people to be this way.. so incredibly naive and really, it makes me angry how he is so proud to be that way.

Racism cannot be tolerated.

The Gulf Oil Spill makes me sad too. I don't know how we can cause so much destruction. Sometimes I feel as though we deserve what we get. Like a natural disaster kills this amount of people but I'm pretty sure we've killed more living things. Mother Nature is being light on us. (Not saying that I'm all up for dying due to a natural disaster and understand that no one I'm close to has suffered such a fate, just saying :F )

Piu piu piu.

2010-05-29T17:18:00.000+08:00

Uuugh. What is wrong with me.

Anyways, the highlight of this post is that I went sundry shopping yesterday and it was good. I always like walking thru the aisles in supermarkets esp here cause they have different stuff :D Heehee.

I bought the sponge refill for my mop so yay for me and also changed it myself. I had trouble initially but nothing that both brute force and some brains couldn't solve.

I went to the Law library yesterday and it was very quiet. It's so quiet that whispering is noise. I kinda like the environment there, everything toned down and simple. Studying din't go as well as I'd like.

Went to State library today, the dome is a beautiful sight but it was relatively noisy and because it has a dome-ish shape, it was kinda echo-y. But yesh, not too bad I suppose. Read 2 1/4 chapters of economics.

I want to go home, I want to ace this exams, I want to not be broke D:

Got back my criminology & psychology assignments and got H2A for both. Sounds good but it's only 75-79 and if I'm not mistaken I need at least 75% for each subject in order to transfer. So I'm walking on a tight rope :( Though, I got pretty good comments and my crim essay was apparently of 'high standard'. I am grateful nonetheless because I din't fail.

Funny, I don't think I've written a post like this in a while.
And Roger, you're welcome. (in reference to your post)

I need to make friends in sem 2 :( Sobz. Thank god I'm a bit of a recluse.

Blackpepper Udon.

2010-05-27T20:35:00.000+08:00

Now I'm no major fan of football but when I clicked on this vid that my bro posted on his wall.. damn it was good!

It's damn good actually, so if you haven't watch it.. Please do :) Esp since it's coming from a girl who doesnt watch football or post videos on her blog.